On twitter a few months back, someone asked people to describe their heartbreak experiences. And while some of it was a little funny, most were pathetic. Heart break is a level of death that didn’t feel like finishing you off. Sometimes you wish it did, but with time you thank God it didn’t. Being heartbroken is one thing, but getting over the one who broke your heart is another, especially when you still love them. My first heartbreak was a bit of a tragedy because it was apparent that we weren’t going to live happily ever after. Neither of us was willing to totally let go, so 2 years after the first break up, we were still going back and forth hoping for someday that never came.
Forget what you heard, moving on is not easy. There are so many books and quotes that make you feel like you can do it, but when it actually comes down to it, it’s all easier read than done. How do you even get over someone when you can barely distract yourself long enough to stop thinking about them? No matter how far you run, something will always remind you of them, smell, music, and place or whatever. It can be fleeting but it’ll hit you so hard that you find yourself reeling from the memories. Moving on can take 5 weeks and it can take 5 years but it does not happen overnight. While you and your ex may have individually moved on to other relationships, even marriage, you still find yourself thinking about what ifs.
The annoying thing about breakups is it’s easy to feel like you’re over them when you aren’t. Truth is, if you feel the need to call them every time, if you think about them when something goes wrong or right for you, if you relive happy memories or the sight of them triggers an emotional response in you, then my dear friend, you’re so not over them. At one point after our routine breakup, when I assumed I was over my ex, he would text me in the middle of the night because he knew I was nocturnal. The text message usually started with “I miss you” and whatever I was about, whatever I was doing, whatever progress I had made just crashed with my ‘I miss you too’ response. When I was well and truly over him, I stopped bothering to reply.
The first thing to do after a break up is to find closure. Ask them all the questions you want to. Write them down if you have to so you don’t forget. It’s best to do it face to face so they don’t hang up or stop picking up your calls. There is an instant relief after this conversation. Then you can start your healing process.
CUT OFF ALL COMMUNICATION
I don’t understand how people remain bluff with their Ex. Come on, how can you get over someone when you guys are communicating every other day? To truly dislodge someone from your heart, you are going to have to stop talking to them. On social media accounts, block them if you have to. Remember to love yourself first. Miss those talks of immaturity and be cruel to be kind because your sanity is more important than some silly maturity.
FEEL YOUR FEELINGS
My goodness! I couldn’t understand how I was feeling. Why my chest was so hot and why it was impossible for me to eat, hard to breathe and hard to sleep, I thought I was being a real ‘G’ when I didn’t cry. Years later, I know better. Allowing you to feel all the hurt and anger does not make you weak or emotional. If you need to cry from mount Zion, please get in your car and drive to Zion. Feel every bit of your pain, and lash out when you have to. The only thing is to give you a time frame. Between one day and 2 weeks. Anything after that becomes wallowing in self-pity and you can’t afford to drown.
CONFIDE IN SOMEONE
Another mistake I made was keeping all my hurt to myself, half of me expected us to get back together so I didn’t want my friends or family to build wrong perception of him. Talking about how you feel, how the person made you feel, helps in taking load off your chest. You don’t need to carry the baggage alone. Besides, confiding in your friends gives them the opportunity to call in and check up on you, take you out and introduce you to other people. Being alone during heart break is the worst thing that can happen to you. People have been known to slip into depression.
DO NOT HOLE UP
Being alone when you’re going through a heart break is the worst thing you can do to yourself. It often leads to you rehashing thoughts, feeling like you’re not good enough, torturing your mind etc. Basically, you gradually slip into depression that may be hard to come out of. Go out, meet new people, have fun and do the things you love. It requires conscious effort because some days, you just want to lay back and be nostalgic but once you understand that nothing will ever come out of those redundant memories, then you can finally let go.
REMEMBER THEY AREN’T THE ONE FOR YOU
Understand that if they loved you they would never have done the things they did. If they were meant for you, they would be with you. Life is that simple, we just make it complicated for ourselves. Don’t linger on expectations of reconciliation that may never be. Besides our mind tricks us into thinking they were perfect when they weren’t. It’s best to be realistic and understand people hardly change so even if you guys get back together, you would most likely go through the same things.
THERE IS SOMEONE FOR YOU
So, when you have resigned yourself to the fact that you and your ex will not be getting back together, don’t be like me and beat yourself up over it. It’s not your fault, and even if you guys were together for 10 years, there’s always a chance to start over if you let yourself. Someone else will love all those odds and bits that your ex found repulsive. Don’t feel like you were never good enough; don’t struggle to fit your square into a circle when your own square is around the corner. No matter how long it takes, your square will come.
To find peace, one has to let go of all hurt and pain. Forgiving someone that isn’t sorry is one of the hardest things to do, but for your sanity, forgive. Let go of all the negativity. You don’t have to call up your ex and tell them they’re forgiven, but within yourself, acknowledge that they hurt you and understand that while it may seem like you won’t be able to get past it, in a short while, a few years or months maybe, you will find that they in fact did you a favor by letting you go. Forgive them. I read somewhere, that spending the day thinking of what could, should or might have been is a day missed. When you forgive the one who broke your heart, you give yourself a chance to heal, repair and start again.
Ms Ssygala, is the mother of two rambunctious kids and blogging is her last line to sanity
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