It’s true that we all get to experience the unavoidable wrenching pains of heartbreak – at least once in our lifetime. Whether it’s your favorite pet, your siblings, uncle, parents, friend, favorite shoes (yeah I said shoes) or outfit, something – someone will make your heart squeeze painfully tight , contracting hundred times within few seconds and swelling up immediately so much that you think it will burst out of your chest only for it to contract again a couple hundred times more. Okay, maybe there’s a bit of exaggeration somewhere but that explains just how I felt when this “almost-boyfriend” of mine broke my heart.
I met Lionel (let’s call him that) through a friend on one of the instant messaging applications, he had asked her for my pin and she gave him after seeking my permission. We got chatting and connected with each other very fast because he was just my kind of guy – witty, goofy, very smart, good looking, dark skinned and boy, does he have dimples!
Lionel and I didn’t meet in person till after a year or so and when we finally did, it was just like we had known each other all our lives. That day, I told him while chatting that I am in Port Harcourt and I could feel the sudden excitement with which he responded to my messages saying “What, how, when and why didn’t u tell me?” all at once. I told him, well, that some job brought me to Port Harcourt but I didn’t pre-inform him because I wanted to surprise him. He was so happy he asked to see me immediately, I was very eager too so we planned to see that evening.
I remember settling for that sexy one-piece Navy blue outfit after trying so many clothes on. I stepped out feeling so good and at the same time nervous “I was finally going to see him.”
Indeed, it was a great meeting; we were all hand in hand, smile for smile, grin for grin, and blush for blush, into each other. It was like two dragons having a fire conversation. I fell totally in Love and I could tell that he felt almost the same way but we never said anything about it.
Being a typical woman, I assumed that we already were dating and he didn’t give any sign to show that he’s not interested, he was all “boo, baby, bae” but I am not the type of person to just go with the flow until I am 100% sure so I decided to ask what we were doing.
My heartthrob said he loves me or in his exact words “I am so into you, I don’t want you to even smile at another guy, you are everything I want in a woman BUT I can’t date you now.” I can’t even describe how I felt, I just went numb with confusion, I could remember how my heart didn’t know how to react.
I have never heard such a “line” before from any guy, I was confused. I asked him what he wants me to do with his statement; he said he doesn’t know too that he might just be a confused and selfish guy, he asked me to give him time.
Oh, I gave him time, so much time, years… and in all those years, we talked, saw a few times, went without talking for months sometimes but in all, the feelings were still there, so obvious! Yet, he still needed more time and time did I give.
The whole annoying part was, whenever I tried to give someone else a chance, Lionel shows up with his sweet story of “I love you, in fact from today I am going to prove it to you, I want to be in your life” and because I was stupid, I believe him. But after I let that someone go Lionel would relapse, back to being himself and asking for time.
Until, one day while we were having our normal “love and fire” conversation, he said to me “It’s not like I don’t love you, I do and I want to be with you forever but I am not ready to have a relationship,” and then he added “I just want you to be with me, if we both find someone amazing, well by all means we are allowed to go but for now, I can’t be committed to a relationship.”
How did you think I felt? Heartbreak or not?
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